Mary Kay, Maybe not so Women Empowering After All.

Three months in and I already feel like just a number, wait I am (3719).  I thought getting into this that I would really be Empowering Women, like they say, I was empowered, I believe in the products but because I am different I do not think I will ever be treated fairly in this company.  I am covered in tattoos, none of which are offensive but let's get real, we are in the bible belt and Mary Kay is an old fashioned company, they can't handle the newness and awesomeness that I could bring to this company because no one can see past my tattoos.  I am a pretty cool person, I go out of my way to help others, I am a loving wife and awesome friend, I don't get it. The bible says thou shall not judge, so why are people so quick to do it anyway?  Do they go to church on Sunday and repent and then start again Monday morning?  Seems to be the case so far into my research.

Crazy Cat Lady is an Understatement.

My Baby Otis.

My moms cat Ming.

Otis and Daisy.

my husband and I have three dogs, four cats and three bearded dragons. It cost a lot to feed them all and we're broke as fuck but I wouldn't trade them for the world. It doesn't matter how bad I fuck up, my animals  still love me unconditionally. As long as I make sure they have a clean place to shit, food and water, then it's golden. I have one cat that is such a neat freak that he will not even go into a dirty room, even if you have a steak. he will take a shit right in front of the cat box to let us know that the cleanliness is not to his liking. it is a financial struggle sometimes and a juggling system of walking and play time, a well worth the trouble though. I love my furbabies and my reptile babies. It keeps shit interesting in my life, which is one thing I must have or I will go crazy, Crazier I mean. I may live in a zoo and I do feel overwhelmed by the cost at times but one thing that makes it easier, is knowing that I am never alone. Even if I feel that way sometimes.

My baby Boy Rufio

Garfield 

Nermal and Lex fighting as usual

Swimming time.

Sunday Funday with the Husband!

Mu husband and I woke up at 6 a.m and decided to make a day of it since we were both feeling good.  We went to Dunkin Donuts and ate breakfast tacos, which are pretty tasty, grabbed some coffee to go and drove to Beaver fork Lake to eat in the park. No one was there and the mist over the water made it so you couldn't tell the sky from the water, no ending, no beginning, just pure beauty.  I have been to that park too many times to count but this was the first time I have seen it so gorgeous.  We ate on the park bench and my husband fed the geese sausage and hash browns so that was interesting.  We took goofy photographs and held each other, I still get butterflies, even after five years his breath on my neck still gets to me.  Our key to happiness is to act like we are still dating.  We do spontaneous things, we act like children sometimes, we rarely fight and even then, it's more like a small argument if that.  We always talk things out and keep everything honest.  He is my best friend and I don't want to ever know what my life would be like without him. I got off track there a little bit, anyway, we had our breakfast, took goofy photo's, made out a smidgen and decided to go pick blackberries off of a roadside bush.  Got our bag of berries  (along with lots of splinters) and took off to the community garden in town to get some more goodies. Onions, tomato's, cucumber, garlic, lots of other stuff that my husband will use to cook with, I suck at cooking. We had a great day and all before noon.  Still time to go home and nap and that's just what we did.  Ah the married life.  Loving it.

My Fucked Up Life A chapter anyway

I should totally write a book about my crazy life, family and this fucked up world we live in today.  To sum things up, My mom passed away, my father doesn't care if I live or die because he is too busy making sure his two replacement kids have everything, the life I was supposed to have.  My sister and I live in the same house but can't stand each other, never a word spoken.  My niece and I used to be so close that I considered her more of a daughter than a niece. She now lives a town over, we have no contact, she just had a baby and is married to a jerk that thinks his dog is his best friend that died, reincarnated. He is an absolute idiot, he has another child that he can't even see so his solution to that problem was easy.... knock up my niece and then he has a new child to throw in the face of the first.  Way to be a good stand up man. A replacement child, sounds so familiar it hurts sometimes.  I am not innocent in all of this at all, I said horrible things, acted like a child at times, and didn't think it would ever go this far. I guess no one does when they spew words of hatred out of fear. I know that now, I didn't want to lose my niece to a piece of shit man that I would be pretending to like just to be able to see my family. So I pushed them away before it could happen to me. Again. One day she will understand why I acted the way I did, until then, I live my life by my rules. I needed medication to control my depression and now things are better but whats done is done.  I have no regrets.

Yesterday is Over, Today Sucks, What Will Tomorrow hold? Irony Rules.

Everyday I feel different, some are better than others, there are those few that daunt me and make me question my own life's worth.  I continue, each day hoping it will be different, better. I made it through the two year anniversary of my mothers death with my life and maybe, just maybe a little hope that it does get easier.  I almost feel guilty for feeling that way, it's a crazy fucked up way to think, (welcome to my world) but I know she would want me to be better but I feel guilty for feeling better, like her life has less value this year than last. I still don't have a job, other than Mary Kay, which I hardly consider a job.  It's avoiding overly fake happy directors that could really give two shits about you, as long as I am making my minimum order, which is all I do.  I love the makeup, it's not that, it's the fact that I don't feel very social at the moment and you kinda need to be to sell people stuff.  So I sit here broke, counting out change for cigarettes and skipping lunch but I have a bag full of shit that I could sell and have money.  Oh the irony.

Orange is the new Black in two days. addicted much?

I watched the entire season of the show within just a couple of days. I watched episode after episode as if my next breath depended on that closure. I felt horrible because my husband and I were using them as a sort of date night thing so we would watch them together. That quickly changed when I decided that it was worse than crack, I had to see what would happen next. I power watched each show skipping pee breaks, drinking extra coffee religiously, chain smoking,  in fact,  I bet that's what crack really feels like. I was a nervous wreck,  nail biting and all.  It's been a long time since something on television excited me,  kept me thinking for a week about what was going to happen next. The good thing about Netflix is you don't have to wait until the next week,  you can watch it all. Bam. I was trapped watching, I couldn't stop, now I have no more episodes to watch and I have to wait for season three to come out.  I will die by then, I have to know what is going to happen.  I got a pretty good idea as I am sure we all do.  Mean ass V got ran the fuck down by the awesome cancer lady, Piper made it so Alex will be back next season. I can't wait to see where Jengi Kohen is going with the story and I hope it lasts forever. At least longer than Weeds did.

Sometimes you just wanna feel numb.

I sit at home on the two year anniversary of my mothers death and I find myself in the worst stage of emptiness that I have felt in a long while.  I really don't know what to do with myself today, I don't feel like going out, There is nothing on T.V and my mind is all over the place.  The only thing that is real is the fact that she is gone, I am wearing her ashes in my necklace, I still smell her, the fresh scent of the Gardenia bush outside forbids me to forget her favorite smells. I have taken an extra anxiety pill today (prescribed) but it doesn't seem to have any effect on what it's up against, it doesn't know my level of anxiety.  I shall have another because today... I just want to feel numb, nothing, an emotionless day if you will. All I know is that when I feel like I do today, I write, no proofreading, (except for spelling) just typing my heart out, putting myself out there for the world to see, to judge, to do and say whatever they want.  I am not sure why I write about how I feel so much, maybe I hope that I will touch someone, somewhere and they will see that it is okay to express and accept how you feel, no matter how shitty it is. I dream to be a writer someday but that's just what people say when they want to be "recognized" for their work.  I could give two shits about recognition, I AM A WRITER, I write, therefore I am a writer. Will I get noticed one day for my smart ass mouth and sometimes cool TV show critiques, probably not.  That does not stop me, I have had this blog since 2010 and have very few page views or entry counts.  I am still writing because one day I will get the satisfaction that I desire.... I want to help someone, speak to someone, make a person think, laugh, anything as long as they feel something that I set out to do every time I sit at this laptop with a cigarette in one hand and a cup of coffee nearby. I am taking a nap. I miss you Mama, not a day goes by that I don't think about you and everything you are to me still.  I hope you are proud of the woman I have become.

When I grow up, I am going to be a .............

When I am home alone, I often wonder why I am here, what is my purpose, what am I supposed to be doing?  Why can I not just see it?  I never remember being little and saying, "when I grow up, I want to be a (insert unattainable goal here). No doctor, lawyer, famous singer, nothing, I remember nothing.  My mom told me that I never had an answer but she knew I would figure it out with time.  Time has come, time has past, shit is real now, I got bills and shit, and I still have the same answer, I don't know.  It's kinda bullshit because I have tried things, different jobs, different classes, hoping to find the one subject that spoke to my heart and gave me joy, still nothing.  Now I sell Mary Kay cosmetics and skin care.  Seriously?  Anyone who knows me also knows that I have always been sort of a tom boy so the fact that I am wearing makeup and selling it also is fucking crazy.  I have changed a lot in the last few years, I finally turned into a girl, started a shoe collection, buying designer jeans online, becoming a label whore, wearing more makeup and even experimenting with crazy eye color combinations. What the hell has happened to me?  Is this what I am supposed to be doing?  I suppose so because here I am planning makeup orders and putting pictures online to showcase products.  Seriously what the fuck is going on here?  My life is so amusing sometimes and other times it is a long line of fuck up after fuck up.  This old man that I waited on everyday at this restaurant I worked at once always used to call me Can't get right.  A lovely nickname if I do say so myself and it's followed me into adulthood.  Now what do I do?  The usual.... Fly by the seat of my pants and see where I land next.

The $5.00 is now the $10.00. wow how times have changed.

I was just sitting around thinking about when I was younger,  my friends would call me for a ride somewhere. It usually went something like this, "hey if you're not doing anything it'd be sweet if you could give a ride to blah blah's house,  I'll give you five bucks."  The answer was always the same, where you at? I'm on my way. Back then,  you could get a pack of cigarettes and still have some left over for gas.  Now, I dare a motherfucker to ask me for a ride for nothing less than a ten. Plain and simple. The ten is the new five. You can't buy shit with five bucks.  Taco Bell is even trying to get gangster and charge more for their same old shit. Just a random thought that I would share the stupid shit that goes through my crazy ass head. But my friends know they can ask me for a ride anytime. As long as it's not too early and they have ten bucks. HA.