When I grow up, I am going to be a .............

When I am home alone, I often wonder why I am here, what is my purpose, what am I supposed to be doing?  Why can I not just see it?  I never remember being little and saying, "when I grow up, I want to be a (insert unattainable goal here). No doctor, lawyer, famous singer, nothing, I remember nothing.  My mom told me that I never had an answer but she knew I would figure it out with time.  Time has come, time has past, shit is real now, I got bills and shit, and I still have the same answer, I don't know.  It's kinda bullshit because I have tried things, different jobs, different classes, hoping to find the one subject that spoke to my heart and gave me joy, still nothing.  Now I sell Mary Kay cosmetics and skin care.  Seriously?  Anyone who knows me also knows that I have always been sort of a tom boy so the fact that I am wearing makeup and selling it also is fucking crazy.  I have changed a lot in the last few years, I finally turned into a girl, started a shoe collection, buying designer jeans online, becoming a label whore, wearing more makeup and even experimenting with crazy eye color combinations. What the hell has happened to me?  Is this what I am supposed to be doing?  I suppose so because here I am planning makeup orders and putting pictures online to showcase products.  Seriously what the fuck is going on here?  My life is so amusing sometimes and other times it is a long line of fuck up after fuck up.  This old man that I waited on everyday at this restaurant I worked at once always used to call me Can't get right.  A lovely nickname if I do say so myself and it's followed me into adulthood.  Now what do I do?  The usual.... Fly by the seat of my pants and see where I land next.