Sometimes you just wanna feel numb.

I sit at home on the two year anniversary of my mothers death and I find myself in the worst stage of emptiness that I have felt in a long while.  I really don't know what to do with myself today, I don't feel like going out, There is nothing on T.V and my mind is all over the place.  The only thing that is real is the fact that she is gone, I am wearing her ashes in my necklace, I still smell her, the fresh scent of the Gardenia bush outside forbids me to forget her favorite smells. I have taken an extra anxiety pill today (prescribed) but it doesn't seem to have any effect on what it's up against, it doesn't know my level of anxiety.  I shall have another because today... I just want to feel numb, nothing, an emotionless day if you will. All I know is that when I feel like I do today, I write, no proofreading, (except for spelling) just typing my heart out, putting myself out there for the world to see, to judge, to do and say whatever they want.  I am not sure why I write about how I feel so much, maybe I hope that I will touch someone, somewhere and they will see that it is okay to express and accept how you feel, no matter how shitty it is. I dream to be a writer someday but that's just what people say when they want to be "recognized" for their work.  I could give two shits about recognition, I AM A WRITER, I write, therefore I am a writer. Will I get noticed one day for my smart ass mouth and sometimes cool TV show critiques, probably not.  That does not stop me, I have had this blog since 2010 and have very few page views or entry counts.  I am still writing because one day I will get the satisfaction that I desire.... I want to help someone, speak to someone, make a person think, laugh, anything as long as they feel something that I set out to do every time I sit at this laptop with a cigarette in one hand and a cup of coffee nearby. I am taking a nap. I miss you Mama, not a day goes by that I don't think about you and everything you are to me still.  I hope you are proud of the woman I have become.