I have NO idea what I want to be when I grow up??

I am in my early thirties.  I feel and act like I am much younger.  I see no problems with the lifestyle choice I have made.  My husband and I are in agreement that we do not want children.  I am mature and dependable and all those important things but when it comes to planning for the future.... I got nothing.  I went to college for a few years off and on.  5 to be exact.  I never found anything that I wanted to do so I dropped out and started managing a restaurant at night.  I loved it and I loved the people.  I miss it terribly.  It got shut down during the economic shit fall of 2008.  I have worked one job since then and it was hard as fuck to even get that one.  I even stooped to the low level of telemarketing I was so desperate.  I won't do that again,  I will sell fruit on the street corner before I spend 5 hours a day getting hung up on or cussed at 80% of the time.   I guess some are destined for greatness and maybe I am too, I'm just pacing myself so I don't freak anyone out. LOL.  Someone has to do the bullshit jobs at gas stations and restaurants.  I accept the fact that it is me.  I am cool with that!  I just thought I was supposed to be doing something better.  Maybe I am, hopefully people will read this crap and realize that pretty much everyone's life sucks the same.... just at different times.  I always thought it would be cool to be a writer and since I can't do that, I will blog my heart out and hope someone sees my quick wit and awesome charm and let me write for them.  I am working on a book about how it's okay to be a nobody.  I have done it just fine for 30+ years and I am still loving life and maintaining valuable relationships while not compromising who I am or embarrassing my family.  I think that is pretty good.  I don't have any illegitimate     children, I'm not on drugs, and I even do random acts of kindness just because it feels fucking great.  My life is pretty amazing considering that some would not be able to handle my life. I love it,  so what if I have no idea what kind of job I want.  If I have learned anything; it is not WHAT you know it is WHO you know.  Sucks donkey balls but it's true.  I know some dumb-ass people that have good jobs and I promise  it's not because they are awesome workers, it's because they know someone already that works there.  Unfair if you ask me, but no one ever does.  I know because I have been one of them.  Bastards.  I'm just jealous that's all.  At least I can admit that. I will get my toe hold in the burger industry, until then I am forced to complain while sitting on my ever growing ass watching Netflix.  Loving me some movies!!

I Loved a Man and then he died. :(

It's odd how a memory, a song, a movie, whatever, can take you back into a moment of time so far away yet it feels so close and so real.  I am watching Romeo and Juliet on Netflex, the Claire Danes and Leo whatever version.  Either way, I remembered when the last time I saw this movie;  it was late 1996 and it had just came out on video and I invited a love interest over to watch it with me.  He actually came over and we had a really great time.  It was the first time that I got up enough nerve to tell him that I loved him.  Only I wrote it backwards on his chest with a Sharpie.  Did he see it when he got home after spending he night in my arms?  I could only hope so.  I never got up enough nerve to tell him for real so I did  the best I could.  I think deep down, he knew that I loved him.  I want to believe that he knew that I loved him.  I hope he knew that I loved him.

It's odd how things shape who we are today.  My first love passed away this coming up April 20th 1999.  It seems like yesterday sometimes.  Though I am now a happily married woman, I know I wouldn't be able to be the wife I am today without the help of that relationship so many years ago.  I miss him dearly and not a week goes by that I don't think about him and wish he was here to be my friend.  I married the right man, things happened the way they were supposed to, except for the part where my friend died.  He wasn't supposed to die.  We were supposed to grow old bitchy friends together.  He bailed, no note, no explanation.  Just unanswered questions. I still hurt, I still cry, I still visit his grave monthly (at least).  And the most awesome thing is that I feel him around me, watching over me, and so does my husband.  At first he wasn't sure but now there is no doubt.  He is with us both, protecting us, loving us both.  When Nicholas and I got married I got my confirmation early that he was the one forever.....  The morning after our wedding, we visited my first loves grave, my Jason, and Nicholas told him that he would take care of me and for him not to worry.  Ever since then then it's like our marriage is protected by a bubble or something.  We are solid as a rock and I love him more than anything.  There must be an afterlife, because I feel it daily.  I love my husband and I love my past love for many different reasons. Everyone has that one special one and I married him for sure.  I am so blessed to have such a loving husband that is proud of the woman I have become because of who inspired me and who hopefully I inspired a little too.

 I miss you Jason.  See ya on  the other side........  Love you.

My Hate List.

In No particular order...

*The entire cast of Jersey Shore

* Judgmental people

*Skinny Jeans

*Getting ass splashed while shitting (booty douche)

*dust

*Finding nail clippings in random places

*Grocery store music

*Politics

*Loud breathers

*Pretty much anything creepy crawly except lady bugs, they are always cool!

*Piss on the toilet seat

*Wal-Mart

* Gravity in regards to age

* Rubik's cube or any other toy that makes me feel dumb

* Waiting rooms

* People that think they know everything 

* Plastic fruit

* thieves

* Fake ass people

* Tweakers

* Getting fired

* Running out of smokes while drinking

* Haters

* Misplaced lighters 

* People that can't take a hint

* Shady people

* Commercials that SCREAM at me

* Rich people who waste

* People that still call shotgun 

* Privileged people that still act like the world owes them something 

* MTV, no music.  Liars.

* Parallel parking

* Butt pimples

* Ugly feet

* Running out of toilet paper

* Cheaters

* Idiots

* Sandals with straps on men (dorks)

* Football, baseball, basketball 

* Operation Repo

That's all I can think of at the moment but I am sure this list will grow and grow!!  

My New Things

Bronco, my new kitty!                                       

Otis my rescue Pit bull!!

 Zippy, my new ride!

Naile, my new Bengal kitty.

My Dreams Turned Into Hobbies. :)

I have always been a dreamer.  When I was little, it was gymnastics and as I got older it was photography.  Those dreams got squashed for one reason or another and now they have turned into hobbies that I just happen to be really good at.  I was pissed about the whole situation at first.  I was mad at myself for not trying harder and I wished I would have pushed myself to do the things that I love.  Instead of the regret that I thought I would feel, I am happy for some strange reason.  I am very fortunate to have had the wonderful experiences that I did.  I was gymnast of the year once, my photos have been chosen for print ads and coffee table photography books, I am blessed.  So I didn't make it to the Olympics, oh well, I can still do a mean double back handspring and at my age, I am just happy I haven't broken a bone yet.  I take my camera everywhere I go and I have a hell of an eye for photography so I am happy with the way things turned out.  The cool thing is, I can do either if I want to and I know that, and that's enough for me.  I am a trained gymnast and photographer yet I am under no pressure to be the best anymore and that is refreshing.  Sometimes dreams are just meant to turn into really kick ass hobbies!!

I have Tattoos but I need a job. Damn it.

I live in the south and as if that wasn't punishment enough I must deal with the daily ridicule of having a few tattoos.  It makes no sense to me, if an old Navy man has an anchor on his arm it's totally okay but just because I haven't fought a war I can't have a tattoo.  Hmmm???  Contradictory much?  I am a good person, I leave a penny instead of taking one, I always let people pull out in front of me while driving, I hold doors open for people at the grocery store, I take in stray animals and the occasional couch surfing friend.  I am nice damn it.  I have worked in the customer service industry since I was 16 years old and consider myself an asset to any job I have.  Unfortunately a few tattoos have some employers concerned about my work capabilities.  Did the ink soak in and make me dumb?  It's not like it says fuck off on my forehead.  I have a few tastefully placed tattoos but you would think that I murdered a family of four and ate their dog or something.  I didn't, just for the record.   My last job was in management at a busy restaurant and I loved it and I was good at it.  Tattoos and all.  It was even a "country" themed place with old people everywhere.  They loved me and could care less if I had a tattoo or not.  Well when the economy did it's back flip that fucked everyone, I lost my job.  That was in 2009.  I graciously accepted unemployment benefits while I looked for a new job.  My benefits ran out yet I am not employed.  I have looked and called and played on-line.  I can't find anything.   I even broke down and joined the evil world of telemarketing,  Yeah, I was desperate.  I worked there and it was pure hell.  I can deal with a bunch of crap but the place I was working was pushing the line.  I got hung up on, cussed at, whistles blown in my ear, you name it, it happened. They let me go after a month.  I have never been happy to be fired but I was that day.  I didn't even cry and I usually do when I get fired.  I am still on the prowl for employment.  Hopefully I will find something soon.  I guess I just want people to not be so judgmental.  It's not cool.  Christians don't judge so stop.  Give people a chance, they might surprise you.