It's odd how a memory, a song, a movie, whatever, can take you back into a moment of time so far away yet it feels so close and so real. I am watching Romeo and Juliet on Netflex, the Claire Danes and Leo whatever version. Either way, I remembered when the last time I saw this movie; it was late 1996 and it had just came out on video and I invited a love interest over to watch it with me. He actually came over and we had a really great time. It was the first time that I got up enough nerve to tell him that I loved him. Only I wrote it backwards on his chest with a Sharpie. Did he see it when he got home after spending he night in my arms? I could only hope so. I never got up enough nerve to tell him for real so I did the best I could. I think deep down, he knew that I loved him. I want to believe that he knew that I loved him. I hope he knew that I loved him.
It's odd how things shape who we are today. My first love passed away this coming up April 20th 1999. It seems like yesterday sometimes. Though I am now a happily married woman, I know I wouldn't be able to be the wife I am today without the help of that relationship so many years ago. I miss him dearly and not a week goes by that I don't think about him and wish he was here to be my friend. I married the right man, things happened the way they were supposed to, except for the part where my friend died. He wasn't supposed to die. We were supposed to grow old bitchy friends together. He bailed, no note, no explanation. Just unanswered questions. I still hurt, I still cry, I still visit his grave monthly (at least). And the most awesome thing is that I feel him around me, watching over me, and so does my husband. At first he wasn't sure but now there is no doubt. He is with us both, protecting us, loving us both. When Nicholas and I got married I got my confirmation early that he was the one forever..... The morning after our wedding, we visited my first loves grave, my Jason, and Nicholas told him that he would take care of me and for him not to worry. Ever since then then it's like our marriage is protected by a bubble or something. We are solid as a rock and I love him more than anything. There must be an afterlife, because I feel it daily. I love my husband and I love my past love for many different reasons. Everyone has that one special one and I married him for sure. I am so blessed to have such a loving husband that is proud of the woman I have become because of who inspired me and who hopefully I inspired a little too.
I miss you Jason. See ya on the other side........ Love you.
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