My first Painting

First Painting Ever!!

You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it.  It doesn't hurt to have the support of a loving husband as well.  Speaking of my husband, he is a great artist and amazes me daily with his talent.  I was intrigued and mentioned to the hubby that I would like to try and paint something.  He was totally with me and encouraged me to sketch an idea and then just run with it.  So I did.  Of course he was by my side to answer any questions I may have had, and I did.  He was awesome, as usual.  So I painted my first painting and now I am hooked.  I can't wait to paint another one and I have so many ideas running through my head.  Don't get me wrong, photography is my first love and always will be.  Besides I am no Picasso but I don't think it's that bad for a paint virgin. Point is, if you want to do something and you have doubts...... throw them out of your mind  and go for it.  You never know, you may be really good at it or totally suck but have a blast.  Either way, it's a win win.  My first painting is posted above.  It's how I feel my life goes sometimes, I see that bright colored door but when I open it it's another damn brick wall.  AHHH!!  Will it ever end?  Of course, it always does.  We just forget that while it's going on.  Then it's over and were all like, whew that was close. Rinse and repeat.  Ha ha.

Photography is everything to me.

Dreams

Ever since I was a little girl I have toted a camera with me everywhere I went.  When I was younger and teachers would ask that all to familiar question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"  I would always answer, "I'm going to take pictures for National Geographic."  It was all I ever thought about, I would dream about how one day I would be lying in some tall grass waiting on that perfect shot of a Leopard or a cool ass monkey.  Things don't always work out as planned as some of us know.  All I can do now is make the best of how my life has turned out and never give up on my dream, just tweak it a little bit. So maybe I won't work for National Geographic but I can still do what I love..... without pay.  Doesn't make me love it any less.  I wish still that someday, one day, any day, someone somewhere anywhere will see my pictures and love them as much as I do.  Maybe they would see the future in them that I do.  They have a bigger purpose, I know they do.  I am one in a million in a sea of photographers that want, crave to be noticed.  All I can say is NEVER give up.  No matter how many other dreamers are swimming around you...... Stand out.

Jersey Shore is the Dumbest Show EVER!

 Jersey Shore!!!   Really????  Anything but that, anything.  I would rather have my toenails ripped out one by one than watch this stupid waste of television air-time.  In the ten minutes that I have watched this show, all these little whores have done was fuck, fight and cry.  This makes me wanna vomit, they all look like giant oompa loompa's with there spray orange tan and fake hair.  OMG, I wanna die. I think it is a disgrace that people actually watch this show.  Again here we are glorifying this bad behavior in our youth.  Don't worry kids you can get famous by being a douche bag and fucking every girl in sight, then just dump them and make them feel like the used trash that they are. And the girls on here are a disgrace to women everywhere but especially Jersey Shore.  They act, dress and look like your average streetwalker.  Way to go Jersey Whores, hey that should be the new name. The earrings they wear are big hoops....... we all know about sluts with big hoops.  If you don't, I will fill you in..... The Jersey Whores ALL wear big hoops so at the end of the night, they will have somewhere to stick their legs.  Whores!  Enough of my time wasted on a stupid show for stupid people!

Fairy Tale Love

Just a random rant from the heart, literally.  I just wonder if people have really given up on that fairy tale love??  I see so many of my friends with dicks so I guess so.  Anyway, I used to be such a pessimist but finally with patience I have that kind of love now.  The kind of love that NO matter what, you make time for each other.  Even if it is only for ten minutes, five minutes.... anytime!!!!  Life is short and we get so caught up in what is going on around us that we neglect what is right in front of us.  I am so blessed to be in a healthy happy relationship and we have that can't go a day without seeing each other kind of goofy love.  We text loving messages throughout the day when were apart and it is awesome!!  I see other people's relationships become so routine and mundane.  They are forgetting why they fell in love in the first place.  Everyone needs to remember that nothing in this world is guaranteed,  not a thing.  So when all is said and done at the end of the day, all we really have in this world is each other.  It's time to treat people better and respect their feelings, there's already enough drama and fighting in the world to add to it.  Wake up each morning and think to yourself, what can I do today to make my significant other smile??  It's the simple stuff that really matters.  My husband and I try to make our relationship fun, we have prank wars sometimes and we play board games together at least twice a week.  He is so sweet, he wakes up first and makes coffee and brings it to me in the bed, we visit and drink our coffee then it's off to work he goes.  I adore our twenty minutes together in the morning, wouldn't trade em for nothing.  I'll shut up now but please everyone, remember the Golden Rule....  "Treat others as you want to be treated."  The world could be an awesometastic place!!

Weeding your People Garden.

I have always known that people in general are nutty but here recently I have learned that some people are just plain crazy, like loony, nutty, need a check kinda crazy.  Friends are great to have, I wouldn't change mine for the world, but we are not obligated by anyone to like another person and frankly shouldn't be friends with anyone that you just don't mesh well with.  I used to have a lot more friends than I do now and it used to bother me but come to find out, I just weeded out the bad ones.  Not that they were bad people, just life paths have changed and we went different directions.  I have no ill thoughts of my used to be friends, I wish them nothing but the best.  The friends I have now would do anything for me and they got my back no matter what dumb decision I may make.  That's the things with friends, they aren't perfect, it's about balance.  I may not like some of my friends habits but I love them so I choose to overlook some things.  On the other hand though if you have people that say they're your friend but act a different way..... Take a hint, they are using you.  I don't keep score when I do things for my friends but I wouldn't be human if I didn't have a tab running in my brain.  Ya know?  Another crazy thought.......  Out of all the friends I have now, only one of them is from high school.  One!!  She is awesome though, glad I kept her around. Seriously my friends I have now are all newbies in a way.  I have known them all less than 2 years, but they know me better than the friends I had for years and years.  cool thing is, they love me for me and wouldn't change anything.  I'm glad I weeded my people garden, it needed it.  Whew... I was getting overgrown with craziness.  Now it's just making sure I can keep this balance going without compromising my beliefs.  That's where it gets tricky.  I will not, I repeat NOT help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves.  I have to surround myself with good vibe people and here lately I have questions.  Not about my friends but my friends so called friends.  Morally these people are just wrong and I won't hang out with shady selfish people.  So what do you do when your friends are???  I guess just keep my opinions to myself and let them learn themselves that who you hang out with makes an impression on others..... I don't want anyone to think I am a drug dealing thug therefore I wouldn't hang with anyone that was doing that.  Have people forgotten about guilt by association??  I know it's not right but it still happens so until people stop judging so damn much we gotta filter our friends and make sure we are making the right decisions for us and our friends.  I'm rambling again.  I do that a lot!!

I'm feeling kinda groovy today.

Today was one of those days where nothing went as planned but still ended up being an awesome day none the less.  I'm getting better at this whole good attitude thing, it seems to be working.  Even when things are crappy I just think happy thoughts and the day doesn't suck as bad.  What a concept?  I've been hearing about it for years but never gave it a shot.  No time like the present.  My car is falling apart and barely got me across town before it said "screw you, I will die every time you stop me", and it did.  I got her home and left her where she stopped after dying and coasting into the driveway.  I didn't even get mad, oh well it's just a car.  Then when the husband came home he looked at it and it's something halfway simple to fix.  See, my positive attitude worked.  A year ago I would have cussed to high noon, kicked the shit out of my car then slammed the door when I got in the house, still muttering bullshit.  I am so proud.  I am starting to think Karma plays a bigger role in life than I once thought.  I sure am being nice to people, some that don't even deserve it and the good vibes are coming back to me.  I think I will keep this up and see where it goes.  Now the husband is asleep on the couch next to me and he is so cute.  Even when he snores, it's adorable.  I am so lucky.

Hurt by Nine Inch Nails

What have I become? -- My sweetest friend.  Everyone I know goes away in the end.

You could have it all, my empire of dirt. -- I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair.

Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear.

You are someone else.

I am still right here.

I am only me.

Path to ......

I am far from being a perfect person but the truth is, I wouldn't even want to be.  I long for fulfillment in my life, not with material things but the simple pleasures most people forget about. ------The wind in my hair as I swing as high as I possibly can without that scary chain jerking sound, or when I realize how beautiful the leaves are on a tree that I have driven by a hundred times, too busy to appreciate its free gift of color for me.  I want to look back upon my life years from now and not be ashamed.  I would like to think that with each new obstacle introduced to me I am becoming a better person while learning to enjoy this life I have been blessed with.  My main desire is to become a more courageous, kinder, passionate and stronger woman.  Right now that is enough for me!

Family sucks sometimes

My father left when I was 4 and hasn't been in my life in years, wait in forever.  He remarried, had 2 more children and said the hell with me.  He takes care of his other kids, never once have I even received a card on my birthday or even a fu*k you.  People are crazy these days, you don't have a kid if you don't want one.  If you do have one then you make sure they are taken care of and safe.  I don't think I have ever felt completely safe.  Thanks pops, you're a real gem.  Asshole.

Movie Quotes I Love

"Sometimes we hold onto the things that God himself is trying to tear apart"

~~Diary of a Mad Black Woman

"Love is stronger than any addiction.... hell it is one"

~~Diary of a Mad Black Woman

"Loss only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself"

~~Good Will Hunting

"Advertising has us working jobs we hate to buy shit we don't need"

~~Fight Club

"Life is a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes, so I take the pleasure in the details"

~~Reality Bites

"We don't choose our music, it chooses us, it lives in our cars, on our ipods and in our hearts"

~~Almost Famous

I just realized I learned all bad things from T.V

My Old Crew from back in the day.
We have since all gone separate ways. :(

So it's early and I am awake.  I don't usually watch t.v in the morning because there isn't shit on. This morning however I decided to revisit my childhood and check out some Fresh Prince. I watched it every morning before school and never really payed much attention I suppose.  Well, this morning the episode was about Will taking pills to help him stay awake and nearly killing Carlton. Remember everyone?  Anyway, looking back I remember thinking, "I'm not dumb like Carlton, I could take some stay awake pills and be cool". So did my subconscious tell me as I got older that it was okay??  Hmmm??  Before The Fresh Prince I knew nothing about drinking or partying.  Don't get me started on them lil whores on saved by the bell, same thing.  Kelly took a bunch of pills, what's her face that no one cared about had a drinking problem.  Just saying.  The television shows  I watched as a kid were horrible really, I just didn't know it.  The shows on today are even worse, I mean everyone on the show under 17 is knocked up and everyone on the show over 40 is with a 20 year old..... this must be very confusing for children.  So glad I don't have any and am not one anymore. The list could go on and on. But I however cannot.  Just an observation post really.  Anybody with me on this?  Can you name some more shows with this underage glorifying of bad behavior??  Wait doesn't MTV have a show called 16 and pregnant?  Ooooh, What's a girl gotta do to get on that show?  Oh wait get knocked up and ruin your future, unless you have rich parents that will take care of you and your bastard, because the child will be, because Daddy will bail. All those shows about teen pregnancy if you pay attention, the rich little cheerleader's mom just took care of the kid all the time so she could party.  Not the poor girl, her ass was sitting on her tattered couch watching an antenna t.v playing with hand me downs from a church with her child.  Big difference.  I am rambling now.  Really.

I don't feel nothing (when I used to drink)

Poetry is a great way to express yourself when you think no one else cares, as long as you still do..... It's all good!!!!


I don't feel nothing when you are around.
You take all my pain to a secret place that can't be found.

I don't feel nothing when you embrace me like no other.
You fill me with joy and with every drop of you, I hide from another.

I don't feel nothing when you are inside of me.
You take away all the hurt and pain - it's then I can finally see.

I don't feel nothing when I awake alone and cold.
I can always count on you to be close enough for me to hold.

Maybe one day I'll look at myself and finally see something.
Until then, I don't feel nothing.